oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
