You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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