She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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