I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
