HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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