Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
