I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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