The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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