I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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