my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
