I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The best revenge is premature balding
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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