The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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