It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
