You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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