my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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