Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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