I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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