You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
