i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
