Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
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