Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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