When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize