I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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