you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
