So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
