She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
