hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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