i may or may not be watching the land before time
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
