omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
