He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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