i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
