I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
