His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
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Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
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I got inside last night via doggy door
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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