I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
