guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
