you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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