I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
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You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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