Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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