What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
