??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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