I think I am morally bankrupt
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
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I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
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Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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