I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
