Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
