took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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