I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
