I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
