Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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