we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
