R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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