We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
COCAINE IS GR8
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
