i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
