i need an iv and a liver transplant
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
