he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
