I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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