My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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