she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
