I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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