You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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