Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
