Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
