I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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