I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
